Surviving the Impossible

It’s just an ordinary day.  This is no special anniversary – it’s not my late husband’s birthday or our anniversary or one of our kid’s birthdays.  It’s just a Monday night in April.  And I miss him so much today I can barely stand.

I wonder why that is?  Why does this wave of grief appear out of nowhere and knock you over?  If someone lost a loved one today, and asked me honestly if it gets any easier…. I guess I would say “no”.  I guess I would say that you just get used to it being hard. 

When I’m at work, or hanging out with friends, I’m distracted and I can laugh and talk and enjoy myself and I don’t feel like a weight is on my shoulders.  But there isn’t one day that’s passed in 18 months since Nick died where I don’t have that one moment in my day where it’s still unbelievable to me.  Nick died.  That seems impossible. 

And I can’t think about the next 20 years because they just seem exhausting and lonely and sad.  Who wants to look forward to that?  I don’t want to live for another 40 years because every day there will be that moment where I think, “Nick died” and it will make my heart twist in my chest again.  No, I’m not suicidal and no, I don’t need some bleeping drugs.  This is what a broken heart feels like. 

I’m pretty sure no one reads this blog anyway.  I screwed up the title and couldn’t figure out how to make it pretty so I just post things here and at least I’m writing it down.  It’s my journal in cyberspace. 

Tomorrow I’ll get up and go to work and take care of my kids and do the 100 things that make up my day and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will feel a little bit more hopeful than today. 

But today sucks.

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